LIFE AND LOVE : the stench of my selfishness and the sweetness of the Lord’s cleansing forgiveness

I don’t know where to begin to tell you this… so I will just start in the messy middle of the story.

We have some friends who have a precious little, a girl, who was born with a weak heart. There are of course many medical terms and a whole lot of information that is involved with this. (Please if you get nothing else from this, pray for this little love. Her name is Johanna Grace – what a perfectly ordained name!)

So here I am, reading Johanna’s mommy’s post on facebook – a post where Jen describes all that the Lord is teaching her through this hard time as a new mommy to this little love with a heart so explicitly in need of the Lord.

And I am just overtaken by an awful stench. My own selfishness.

Oh Gosh. I hate to admit this to myself. to the precious Lord.

He has been calling me tenderly to pray. To get up a little earlier in the morning. And oh I silently have good intentions each night to get up a little earlier…
But the ifs and buts and if onlys start so early in the morning. I’m afraid they’ve been drowning out His still small voice. I’ve been drowning out His still small voice.

So the good Lord who will not ever let you go – He disciplines those He loves, you know – SHOUTED to me in my selfish stench tonight.

Jen wrote :

I long for the gap to be closed with my daughter. The choice is so clear. I want the same with my heavenly Father. It is evident that just as Johanna can’t heal her heart, I cannot heal mine. Neither of us has the capacity to bridge the gap, and don’t even realize the full extent of the gap that exists. Johanna doesn’t know anything different than what she is experiencing. She only knows that she doesn’t like it when people poke or prod her and she doesn’t like having stuff put down her throat. I only know that I don’t like suffering or dealing with hurt and tend to want my own way. However, as Johanna’s parent I see the difference between a life apart and with tubes and medicines and a life of her coming home and being near. So I have to trust that God sees and knows the difference in a life for me that is rooted in this world verses being dependent on and with him. What an incredible God. Never sleeping or slumbering in His care. Able to heal, redeem, and conquer death eternal. Praise God!
Psalm 103

Does that not just speak to you, friend!?

It surely does to me. My son’s heart may be physically whole – but do you know his eternal life is on the line!? And surely I know that as a seven month old he may not turn his heart over to the Lord tomorrow, but golly peet if I cannot pray for it every second until he does. And then once he does – praise the Lord – there’s prayers to be made every day forward.

And it was only last night that I spoke in bible study, the one that I teach, by the way – which makes it worse – you will see by what I am about to say, and told the girls that the spiritual condition of mother’s children is the most important condition of their children. If a mother is to neglect the spiritual condition of her child, she is to neglect her child in the worst way.

And here I am, practically wallowing around in comfort and no lack of convenience, just stinking up the place.

Oh GOD Forgive me… for I do know what I have done. I am turned my ear, I have disobeyed. I have chosen myself over You. I have chosen myself over my child.

We know JOY as we choose Jesus, others, then ourselves. We know LIFE as we listen to you and obey your commands. We know LOVE as we do Your will.

And you command us to pray without ceasing. And to steward well the relationships that you have entrusted to us.

By Your grace, Lord, I also know this – that 1 John 1:9 reads

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
(1 John 1:9 ESV)

Lord, I confess my sin of selfishness and disobedience to You.

And His Word says He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins – I believe immediately – and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I know this is worth repeating. It’s medicine to my soul, to our souls. This is our salvation.

Tomorrow, I will ‘go and sin no more.’ I will posture myself before the Lord in humble, happy obedience. I will get up out of bed a little earlier and I will take the honorable place of prayer for my husband and my child.

Grace, grace, God’s grace… Grace that is greater than all my sin.

these are a few of my favorite things : a summer’s rain – sweet and warm and bright

One thought on “LIFE AND LOVE : the stench of my selfishness and the sweetness of the Lord’s cleansing forgiveness

  1. Hi sweet Rachel! Amen to everything you said! The extent of my selfishness and sinfulness never ceases to shock me… and the extravagance of His amazing grace never ceases to astound me. And prayer, which should be our greatest delight and joy, so often falls down low on the priority list (for me, at least). Thanks for the encouragement His mercies are new every morning as we try again–all by His grace! love, emily

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s