first trimester : sick with life

Each week I was so excited. One more week.

This is no one more notch in my belt. It’s one more day of amazing grace.

I feel it. The weight of glory. And I feel small.

I also felt nauseous. exhausted. elated. and a little bit nervous. — new life!

I was sick – not of life, but because of life. I was sick with life and I was so glad. My body, helping to make this little life inside – and our lives changed, almost immediately.

We had hit our stride. It was only a few weeks before we found out we were pregnant that I posted about our daily rhythm.

I read that post weeks into pregnancy and laughed. Our new “rhythm” looked like this :

Tyler wakes up with boys

Tyler makes me eggs and the boys some breakfast too

I creep downstairs at the last minute; the eggs are on the table

I try to eat them; try to keep them down

I lay down on the couch; the boys play

If we have somewhere to go that day, I was glad because the friends and the fun will engage and distract all us, but we also get ready at the last minute because I was working hard not to get sick.

When I did, it was hard. and funny. Because there was that time when I am “getting sick” and Grafton is banging on the back screen door, shouting “momma! momma!” (he needs me to open the door) and I literally cannot respond. I mean, come on. But he doesn’t know that. And it’s funny. Not later, even in that minute.

And there was no resting or recuperating after getting sick. It was back to hugs and changing diapers and making lunch and swinging and reading and whatever else the day held, the boys needed.

Leland would say, “Mommy, I am so sorry you are sick.” And I would tell him, “Baby, it’s worth it. Getting sick to make a baby is worth it. You are worth it. Grafton is worth it. And this new life is worth it.”

Pregnancy & Motherhood = Worth It Work.

There were days I put the boys down for their nap before 1pm. I needed to sleep. Who knows if they did 🙂

I would pray Tyler home as early as possible. He would take the boys on bike rides, to the park, outside, to help him with his work.

He would make dinner. I might eat.

I appreciated simple carbs. smoothies. and those eggs. I did not appreciate sliced bread, biscuits, most meat, and any food I had to think about our cook.

I appreciated Tyler. I am proud of my three men.

Bath – Books & Bible – Bed. BED

That was our rhythm. We called it survival mode. Because for us, it was.

Tyler was so gracious. He worked all day and took care of all of us and never complained. … I mean, there was that one time when I had purchased groceries and when he asked what I had planned for supper, I told him I didn’t have any plans. He questioned – then what are all of those groceries for!? (For other people. For picnics that weekend. But no planned supper tonight.) Sorry, babe.

Tyler was (and is) our strong leader. steadfast. gracious. priestly. kingly. godly.

My early morning long quiet time shortened. My world narrowed. As I talk to other mommas, the same happens for them in their first trimester. I think the rhythm of the trimesters only prepares you for the arrival of that little love, if you will let it. Narrowed world, focused soul. Life is growing in you. And it takes all you’ve got. This is no self-centered experience. This is dying-to-self holy ground. It’s only the beginning. It’s the beginning of your end. Death gives way to life. Life gives way to life. Only the Lord could have dreamt of this way. 

We loved telling our boys – it’s a secret, and it’s a surprise, and some of the best news yet. We had been praying as a family for a long time for the Lord “to give mommy a baby” and now He had. Our family cannot keep a secret, plus, we love to celebrate life, so we told our parents and siblings and anyone else who would listen about our exciting new life.

There’s something exciting and a bit scary about sharing such weighty news. It’s true. and it’s coming true. We know life begins at conception and we understand the Lord is knitting together a life inside, and even with the sickness and the sleep and my changing size, there’s a lot of waiting, a lot of work is happening in the hidden places. But we wanted to be brave.

Hearing the heartbeat for the first time was music, a moment when we could hear the Lord singing His song over us. We were elated, and relieved.

November 22nd… our due date.  I cannot think of a better way to enter the end of the year, to enter the holiday season, than with a new little life. a new little life that reminds us and encourages us to be thankful in all things. a new little life that makes us thankful for His life, newborn, to save the world. He is the Dreamer, and His Dream is coming True. 

3 thoughts on “first trimester : sick with life

  1. I hope you’re feeling better these days as you are in the second trimester! I’m due with our 3rd on November 15!

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